yeah, that SUCKS!

Breaking News- According to Bloomberg- I just learned that- due to the fact that the Stryker deal fell through- GM will be dissolving Saab altogether.  This sucks and is indicative of how hard GM sucks altogether.  Seriously- first Hummer- now Saab?!  Evidently those that begged and pleaded to our representatives less than a year ago- dont realize that the Saab and Hummer brands were the best cars they had.  Saab and Hummer- coincidentally, were not manufactured in the US by the proletarian unionists that killed the once premium automaker altogether.

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Here is another example of something I hate. Fucking add banners. I mean really does anyone click on them and if so- how many conversions are there. this is why I don’t bother to host such bull shit on this site- unless it is syndicated. And yes=- being the worlds leading provider of aggravated content- this sometimes happens, However- not when I can help it. Usually I will drop any other source that will place that on my site.

Ok- granted this is getting too long so I will sum it up as most of you are too retarded to pay attention to more than a paragraph any damn way.

Now that I stopped smoking and stopped taking ritalyn. I have been eating like a fat black bitch- a lot! I don’t want to wind up on you tube singing sitting on the toilet- so without further due- I came across an add about losing 3 ibs a day- (not that that is a a problem for me at this time) about being a fatso. I guess in this case a fat gullible fatso.

wHATEVS- i clicked on the banner that said exactly what I wrote above- lose 3ibs a day folloiwng this bull shit method. then I click on it and its a video that stretches on that same sentence for a minute and a half. it does not tell you how- unless you add your credit card. good luck you fat fucking marketing cunt that added that bull shit video. pardon the white trash linguistics on this end.

-hambone

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Heres an analogy- say you get called by a restaurant (obviously the restaurant has shitty marketing other wise you would have heard of it). Anyway- say you get contacted one way or another about this premium best of the best restaurant that is supposedly just as good or better than the fine restaurant you and your network have come to rely on and trust. Ok you got a call out of the blue from a server- that is without a doubt excellent- so excellent she got you to come in. Forget that- say the waiter not only got you to come in, but got you to come in with others in your professional network that you have worked hard to establish mutual trust and respect with. anyway- you then call them and take them out to lunch.

You get to the restaurant and its a shit hole. LEts say- if you live in Manhattan its in the 30’s OR DIRTY 30′S (cheapest rent). thats your first sign. anyway- your not a snob so you go through with your order anyway. You order the Prime Rib and the waiter- who normally would have a food runner brings you out a cold, but burnt grilled cheese sandwich. Disappointed- correct.

Yes- uhm ok what the fuck am I talking about. DTI is like that restuarant. They hire decent sales people that lose all credibility by bringing out a shitty product. DTI over promises and under delievers. This was at least the case in 2005 when the place was run by total incompetant douche bags like Eric Toder and Scott heon. Scott Heon is a little fag and I would probably kick the shit out of him if I ever saw him. Then again- I no longer go down to shitty areas of town (in New York of DC).

I will burn more of that bridge in just a second. but what else- they learn as they go. this is also becasue they operate on a shoe string budget and can’t employ a solid group of production staff- (also a threat to confidentiality).

Even simple photocopying jobs they fuck up. pages missing etc….

What else- the delivery guys are pretty ghetto.

the thing that sucks about the management- you just cant triust it. when your hired- you are blatently lied to about capacity. I was actually interviewed at a starbucks, because the manager was discusted with his own office and Knew a guy like me wouldn’t want to work there or would tell other people. Regardless- that manager left before I even started. that was the first warning sign. This scarred me- I hadn’t been able to trust any managers for a very long time.

Never the less- the issue that really pissed me off from a sales standpoint anyway- was my loss of credibility with customers. First off, I looked like an idiot for bringing back crap and I also looked like crap while bringing back- crap. I was unable to get a CSR the majority of the time to help me deliver documents to law firms. I would then have to push a dolly with boxes of litigation through midtown traffic from the dirty thirties to the 50’s- where my “clients” were located. Of course I could not have been possibly taken seriously- as an equal anyway while sweating like a fag eating a hot dog. and I wore Brooks Brothers suits and Allen Edmonds shoes. God For bid- I put a polo on.

are you still reading this- because I’m sick of typing this. Ok I’m going to stop now.

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I just got an email from some douche bag  by the name of Ben Berkman. Ben  Berkman is a douche bag for two reasons.  The first- he sent me an email with the subject line ‘are you along for the ride?’ by this abomination of a band called paper tonges.  and let me be the first to say that these guys are a bunch of posers.  of course- you can tell by just looking at their press photo.  I mean- seriously a couple of the guys have sunglasses on.  I’ll get to more bashing of them in a second.  But- as people- I will say that I have nothing against them and they are probably all cool guys to hang out with.  Further more- for me to bash or hate on them for their overnight success would make me a hippocrite.  I was in a “put together/ shop to the labels band- all about looks opposed to talent” type situation abut 4 or 5 years ago.  In all fairness to paper tongues- their overnight success runs circles around mine- “in the poser band arena anyway”.

Ok back to the bashing.  Ben Berkman- is a douche for not only sending me this bull shit, but by being a part of the over campaign as well.  In all likelihood- Ben Berkman is either a record executive or the intern at the major that sent me this.  Either way- with a name like Berkman- we can all conclude that Mr. Berkman wasn’t necessarily hawking records out of his trunk, touring or sending a Jamie Widder type report to earn any type of cred whatsoever.  Anyway- the below link which will take you to the actual link of the “new hit song” that many of you will probably actually like is below.

Paper Tongues – Ride To California.

ok.

Iron Mike hamilton

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Linkedin sucks!

This is why. First of all- its always a good practice to be skeptical of any online service in that- if its online and its a service- its a safe to say that it will most likely add your contact information to some sort of list that will later be sold off to some behind the curve quaisi ‘email marketing firm’ or in other words a firm that specializes in sending you spam- or a bunch of messages for products and services that your really don’t need. as a result- your inbox gets flooded with pages and pages of messages of the sort. The majority of which wind up in your contact list, but really what do you care as it is an expendable account anyway- right? yes- right! please try to pay attention! Linkedin, like all members of the new class of spam that I call ’social networking’- pulls all your contacts from your email. Seeing that when I subscribed to linkedin like 2 years ago and when I did- I did so with my hotmail account- like I really need to be sold time shares or penis pills on my corporate blackberry- as a result, it pulled a bunch of bS contacts from that account- sent them a message from me- that I did not authorize and then had the audacity to tell me that I would have to monetarily subscribe to their service if I wanted to actually contact anybody on their network. Evidently- a certain number of contacts that Linkedin reached out to on myu behalf- under my name- either ignored the message, bounced it back, or simply replied that they did not no “this person”- me.

thats one reason the site sucks. the other- its really only over embellished profiles of people with mediocre jobs that really cant do anything to help you along in your career. Its really just a site over-saturated with bullshit sales people and job recruiters.

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If you’re going to publish a “sucks” site… it should actually criticize the subject « The Legal Satyricon.

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The people that started Mylife.com- the social network are a bunch of ‘me too’ wannabe followers.

I can just see their bull shit marketing people- which on a side note- marketing people are not the brightest people in the world. Seriously- I know people that switched their majors from theater and dram/ dance to marketing, because the latter were too demanding. Well- marketing people are being replaced by technology anyway- so look out telemarketing firms here they come! So why did they start mylife.com? “Because social networks are the next big thing. I mean have you seen facebook and myspace- or linked in.”

Well no shit- so now we have to be bombarded with emails about whoever it is that happened to be searching for “Michael Hamilton”.

Oh yeah- and linked in- is really just a place for a bunch of losers that embellish their “business development” resume or “career consultants”- whatever the euphemisms are that they feel may make them seem less douchebagish.

So in other words- all linkedin is really- is just a place for fat headhunter/ marketing chicks- and I mean head hunter in more ways than just one.

So what is mylife.com thinking? are they thinking that nobody would really write about their pointless spamming?

“nobody in their right mind is really going to write about their life sucking- I mean tag 101 metadata- blah blah blah. I hate you!

Stop sending me your unsolicited spam emails!

I don’t care how often Michael Hamilton gets searched- Michael has been the most common name for the past thirty years- possibly more and its not like there are a shortange of Hamilton’s either.

I am Iron Mike Hamilton

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The Stalker

When one of his reps questioned him about an account that she should have gotten credit for, he began stalking her. He would drive by her house and take pictures with his camera phone as evidence that she wasn’t working. The worst part? He parked outside of her 9 year old son’s school (ostensibly to observe her picking him up after school during work hours). You’ve got to wonder about a grown man that will park outside a school watching small children and taking pictures. The rep quit 2 weeks later. (Contributed by lynn.simmon)

The Hypocrite

We had these “leadership” meetings every morning where we went through leadership DVD’s and did the entire workshop. In every point of leadership, our manager was either weak or did the exact opposite.  We were forced to have a 30 to 45 min. discussion on how “we” could apply the lessons that we learned. Having to listen to him espouse these ideas and techniques was funny at first and then absolutely frustrating. (Contributed by Zimm01)

Mr. Know-It-All

My company recently hired a sales manager who has been with us before but quit to go to competitors. Even though it’s been six years since he worked for us, he already knows everything! You can’t ask a question or he’ll tell you you’re suffering from short-term memory loss. You can’t ask him anything in front of a prospect that even remotely infers that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about or he’ll just clam up or walk out! He’s arrogant, he’s sarcastic and he’s the ultimate control freak. (Contributed by lynn.simmon)

The Great Demotivator

I had a boss who forced the reps to push unsellable products into the channel to pump up sales figures, but he kept giving the team “motivational” talks that bordered on the psychopathic. One time he told us that they should “get out there and rape and pillage and leave no wounded.”  I’m a woman, so that particular motivational angle didn’t exactly motivate me.  (Contributed by my Mom!)

Mr. Unavailable

I live and work in Chicago and at one time worked for a NY company and had a NY-based Sales Manager. At the end of each day I had to phone in, from the Chicago office, and give a detailed report on that days sales activities, . The scheduled time was 5 p.m., but most days he was busy, so I would have to call back on the half-hour until he was available to talk to me. He would not call me, I had to call him and hope that he was free. For about 3 weeks I did this, many evenings not making contact until after 7 p.m., having a 30 minute conversation and then going home. (Contributed by mcdonaldj)

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Courtesy jobvent.com

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by Iron Mike Hamilton-

What is the deal with all the job title euphemisms? I can appreciate efforts- to distinguished oneself from say- the SHAMWOW guy, but- at least he doesn’t piss people off by calling them at work.

The other day, I received a call from a ‘career consultant’ regarding ‘business development’ opportunity at a denim company. I don’t know if it was for a textile company or to launch a new brand- she simply said- ‘Business development Manager’. In regards to her title- that would be like me claiming to be a record producer like Steve Albini, because I like to make songs on garage band.

I’ll play along- assume I am a business development manager or director, (Bloomberg doesn’t subscribe to bullshit nomenclature as such)- I would think I’d have transferable skills to sell denim (for a near fourth of my current income). Be that as it may- this woman regretfully had to tell me that I would be a “round peg in a square hole”. What she meant to say was “square peg in a round hole”- I think? After all- round pegs do go into square holes. Then again- I may be giving her too much credit. She explained how tight knit the industry is. Everyone knows each other. That explains why- I guess they called a third party recruiter?

There is more to the story than simply getting a pointless phone call at work. If this self proclaimed ‘career consultant’ is in fact as sophisticated as her title makes her sound- than over extended titles have proven to be meaningless and self defeating all together.

Never the less, I often find myself flip flopping through Business Development Manager and Director. After all- my territory comprises several states and I have to juggle various business development roles of both internal and external variations. With that here is my definition of what Business Development actually is. With any luck this 10-minute initiative will hopefully create some uniform standardization to said titles.

So to provide some insight to the ‘laymen culture’; Business Development- Internally- is the actual process- of 1. Developing new business through coordinated marketing, advertising and public relations efforts 2. Keeping the firm in front of the curve to actually accommodate needs, maintain stickiness, get referrals and increase sales by coordinating marketing efforts, individual SWOT analysis, territory analysis, benchmarking, feedback and developing new products.

Externally- Business development is the actual service provided to develop new business for external clients. This varies across every industry and market type. In the legal space, for example- needs vary for each area of practice- intertwined with the capital markets- albeit the ability to identify a company poised for bankruptcy or restructuring to earn more creditor work, M/A due diligence, recognizance work on the back end for potential securities fraud, IP infringement or general litigation avoidance.

My first job out of college was an entry-level sales position at IKON Office Solutions. My job was to ‘develop new business’ by calling in smaller law firms. Account Manger was the title they gave me. At 22- I can honestly say that I was neither an accountant nor a manager. Shortly after- my title jumped to ‘consultant’ at a ‘me too’ competitior. The support reps at this company- aka (customer service reps- wait- client service reps) were called account managers. In reality they were actually more like delivery guys- not that there is anything wrong with that. Never the less- its wrong to call them Account mangers. It’s totally misleading. Their job was to pick up boxes of litigation that needed to be photocopied and then return the deliverables. They were not accountants. They were not managers and I was sure as hell not a consultant. I actually felt embarrassed handing out my business card with its behind the curve logo. I would actually make a snide remark about the card when I handed it out to the attorney’s that I was ‘ professionally affiliated’ with.

In summary- business development requires the ability to identify actual needs and ensure they are met by offering something different, better, new and most importantly- needed. This requires individual feedback (opposed to EXCLUSIVE MACRO generalizations- only). This is also the key to developing any new professional and long-term relationship.

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