yeah, that SUCKS!

The music business sucks. At least that’s what everyone tells me. You hear the same thing about the magazine business. “That’s a tough business,” people say.

Is there such a thing as an “easy” business? Being a pro athlete might seem easy, but try throwing a 20-yard pass with a 300-pound lineman ready to separate you from your shoes. No thanks, I was never good with pain. If I get a paper cut I call in sick.

So if I detest pain, why am in the music magazine business? (My company, Zenbu Media, publishes Relix, Metal Edge, Metal Maniacs and Global Rhythm.) It would seem to be a double whammy. Fortunately, it’s not. Music is not going away and neither is the printed page. Picture yourself on the beach trying cuddling up to a great article or novel on your PC. It doesn’t feel the same. It’s kind of like a Stepford wife. Sure the PC is a fantastic way to connect, socialize, learn and listen but it lacks one thing. Tangibility. People flock to concerts and music festivals in record numbers to see the artists, feel the vibe and experience something real. Tangible. It is easier (and cheaper) to sit at home and watch the Rolling Stones on YouTube, but you miss the energy, the camaraderie and the feeling of true artistry.

Music has never been more accessible (legally or not). Myspace and other social networks have made it easier for garage bands to be heard. Hundreds of thousands of them. From all over the world. How do you choose what to listen to? How do you cut through the crap and find the gem? Ask the people who live for music. Those who are out every night and are never without pods in their ears.

Fortunately they write about it, too.

‘The Music Business Sucks—So Does the Magazine Business’ – Steve Bernstein – Blogs Consumer @ FolioMag.com.

Share on Facebook

Have you ever wondered why music sucks so bad these days? Do you find that your tolerance for music by Ricky Martin and Green Day is pretty low? Well, there’s a reason for that. Weused to be audiophiles. If like myself you were alive and listening carefully in the great Age of High Fidelity, you experienced music that was much more dynamic and was delivered to you through equipment that was designed to provide you with faithful sound reproduction. Today we listen to dynamically flat music that’s delivered to us via crappy, digitally compressed MP3’s via tiny headphones or computer speakers. The best sound system that the average young person owns in probably in his/her car, and a car is not the best environment for audio fidelity even if its stereo is top of the line. But why does that make the music suck and who’s to blame?

Music engineers have been waging what is known as “The Loudness War”. Engineers diminish the dynamic range with a compression technique which reduces the difference between the softest and loudest sounds of a musical piece. The process is illustrated in this clip. It’s called mastering “hot” and the result is not only reduction in dynamic range, but also distortion and ultimately listener fatigue and even pain.

But why would audio engineers, the ultimate audiophiles, do this? Are they only the foot soldiers in this Loudness War, being forced into this by the producers, A&R guys and musicians?  Master Engineer Jerry Tubb explains, “Ours is a service business,” Tubb says. “If that’s what the client wants, I try to explain the trade-offs in clarity. In reality, we’re just trying to accommodate requests from labels or A&R guys or the artists themselves. They’ll walk in with a handful of CDs and say, ‘I want it to be as loud as this one.’ The last five years it’s gone absolutely mad.” So why all this pressure to master hot to begin with?

It has everything to do with the way we listen to music. Firstly, digital recording and playback have allowed this war to rage like never before. Dynamic range on vinyl records had to be carefully engineered to avoid the many pitfalls of the groove including distortion and keeping the needle from bouncing right off the record. CDs and MP3s don’t have these limitations, thus the sky is the limit. Secondly, music today is being engineered with the Mp3/Ipod/car radio listener in mind. The loudness war is an effort to keep the music within the distracted, short attention span of today’s listeners through their crappy little stereos and headphones. As consumers in the last couple of decades we have overwhelmingly chosen either cheap, low performance equipment like those crap all-in-one stereos that you get at Fail-Mart (which are just boomboxes without handles) or expensive but conveniently portable devices like Ipods. We usually listen to music while driving, exercising, blogging and whatever else it is we do except just sit and listen. Simply put, not many of us listeners are audiophiles any more. Thirdly, popular musicians these days seem to either not understand or care about dynamics anyway. There’s a dynamic of sound in the technical recording/reproduction sense, and there’s also the dynamic attribute of the music itself, as in quiet parts and loud parts or soft instruments and loud instruments. Today’s popular music seems to be written and played by people who themselves seem to prefer nothing but constant blaring guitars or synths, booming bass, banging drums, and wailing vocals. There’s loud and louder. There’s no subtlety anymore. The music on AOR classics like Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon, Queen’s A Night at the Opera and just about any Steely Dan Album have dynamic range that is seldom attempted by musicians these days. Outside of the realm of classical music, which is by far the most dynamic music, the AOR of the 70’s was the pinnacle of Hi-Fi. This of course indicates the possibility that I have just taken the “Old Fogey Stance” on this topic. On the other hand, maybe the Classical listeners and the Pink Floyd loving stoners of the world are simply the last true audiophiles. NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

.

Share on Facebook

Thanks to Wes Kose; The people at something or other have compiled the following that I have to admit they are wrong about, but I need content- you see.  They have not selected easy targets for removal — we know that you know that the Milli Vanilli album you’ve got stashed away in a shoebox isn’t exactly kosher. Nope, we chose critical darlings and must-have releases from the past and present. Some will bristle at our audacity for questioning the worth of any Beatles release or blithely pissing on Jane’s Addiction’s “masterpiece.” Some will maintain that we’re not qualified or that we’ll never make an album as great as Dark Side of the Moon and accordingly should shut our traps.

The approval an artist seeks by releasing an album is not guaranteed, even if music moguls, “tastemakers,” and critics agree that it is merited. As music listeners, we’ve taken on the very modest project of flipping through our collections, listening to them, and separating the good stuff from the bad. If the creators of the “greats,” the “classics,” and the “hits” want to ensure that their efforts get the praise they deserve forevermore, they should take care that they are only accessible to sympathetic critics and fans.

The entries on this list fall roughly into three categories:

• Critically bullet-proof artifacts whose weighty presence on the shelf is complimented perfectly by their perpetual absence from the CD player. Critic-mandated vanity archives should be bundled up and spirited off to the used record store under the cover of night.
• Albums by new artists that have only their newness and the marketing efforts of music conglomerates to recommend them. Almost invariably, these recordings pale in comparison to those of the artists they imitate. Alternately, new albums by established artists that are slavishly hailed as the big comeback get high points with us. Like nature hates a vacuum, Jaguaro despises the Next Big Thing.
• Nostalgic favorites that maintain their place by tradition and neglect more than actual merit. These are the CDs people never get rid of because they may want to play them some time in the indefinite future (certainly not now).

We assembled this list with the help of many discerning people whose musical dark nights of the soul resulted in selling trips to the used record store and even the destruction of offending albums. Some contributors went so far as to level threats against other contributors whose entries were deemed inaccurate or offensive. We admire and encourage all such behavior. Contributors include Deborah Scherer, Peter Gorsuch, Sarah Pearson, William Chace, The Reverend Spenser Hoyt, Leviticus Sloan, Jimothy Jackilus, Azdak, Duchess, John Hoole, Betty Cruikshank, Dr. Evil, Chris Shymko, Jud Richards, Pedge Guh, and Pat Hutchins.

The entries are conveniently ranked according to the level of priority that removing them from your collection should take. Though the final list is not exhaustive, make no mistake — it is definitive. Please drop us an e-mail and share with us how removing these albums from your collection has changed your life!

The List:

1. The Clash - Combat Rock
   The classic lineup of the Only Band That Mattered was losing a lot of common ground by the time they recorded their last album together. Joe Strummer’s obsession with Beat didactics, Mick Jones’ infatuation with classic rock stardom and Topper Headon’s addiction to heroin weakened the vision and dynamics that fueled their best albums and made a mess out of Combat Rock. As a result, decent tracks like “Straight to Hell,” “Ghetto Defendant” and “Should I Stay or Should I Go” can’t compete against crap like “Know Your Rights,” “Atom Tan” and “Overpowered by Funk.” Of course, the album was a hit and completist fans like me may never part with it. But initiates would do well to stick with the earlier albums, or at least the Clash on Broadway box set.
2. U2 - The Joshua Tree
   Oh, to be earnest, politically correct, Christian, and filthy rich. It’s been 15 years since the birth of this critical and popular favorite, and U2-worship still hasn’t been eradicated. When will it stop? When you do the right thing and retire this pompous collection of religious rock songs, that’s when.
3. Nirvana - Nevermind
   Yeah, yeah – I realize that this is the one that broke grunge’s doors wide open and made Seattle a place to be reckoned with. Are we sure that’s good? At best, Nevermind is an overrated Pixies tribute album that was blasted from every goddamn dorm room I skulked past in college (instead of the Pixies). Not to mention the fact that alt-rawk stations have bled this album of any magic it might have had by overplaying it. Fair to middling at best, but not the Second Coming. And “Smells Like Teen Spirit” IS the “Stairway to Heaven” of our generation, folks. This is the record you will embarrass your children with.
4. Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band - Trout Mask Replica
   If an untruth gets repeated enough, it takes on the appearance of fact. I’m tired of reading about this cacophonous, arrhythmic “masterpiece.” Now’s the time to rescind Don Van Vliet’s “genius” status by eighty-sixing this.
5. The Beatles - Let It Be
   Too much Paul (the seeds of Wings are evident), not enough John and George (R.I.P.). Maybe it was a good thing they broke up when they did. You know, it’s OK to not own every single Beatles album, and you can still streamline your collection by selling this unnecessary final release. I wonder if the syrupy title track and “The Long And Winding Road” contributed to Lennon’s primal scream therapy and the recording of Plastic Ono Band?
6. The Replacements - Tim
   In 1985, Reagan joked about bombing the Soviets, “St. Elmos Fire” burned in the memory of moviegoers and A-Ha dared us to “Take on Me.” So it’s no surprise that the album the ‘Mats released that year was devoured by any rock fan with a modicum of taste. But that was then. Now, Tim sounds muddy next to its predecessor Let It Be and not nearly as inspired as its follow-up Pleased to Meet Me. The album helped us through some dark times, but its usefulness has long since expired.
7. The Police - Synchronicity
   That this album is considered a classic is quite a feat for a collection of songs that Keith Richards deemed suitable for a dentist’s waiting room. Certainly, no album dealing with topics such as stalking, psychological abuse, betrayal and silent desperation has ever sounded so homogenized or made less thought-provoking pronouncements. To enjoy Synchronicity is to consider one’s self to be socially enlightened without having to dredge up any real empathy.
8. Lou Reed - Transformer
   “Walk on the Wild Side” and “Satellite of Love” should also be copied or purchased through a hits compilation. As for the other songs on Reed’s second solo effort, would you spend $15 just to hear lyrics like “Hey you gotta live your life as though you’re number one/Yeah, you gotta live yeah your life and make a point of having some fun”?
9. Miles Davis - Bitches Brew
   You fantasize that your friends come over and admire you for having this album don’t you? Yeah, too bad you can’t fucking stand this shrill, rambling, incoherent mess. Oh, and if you’ve got The Complete Bitches Brew Sessions, you should probably just give it up and sell your entire collection, you poser.
10. David Bowie - Hunky Dory
    Stale glam rock from a notoriously inconsistent icon. Half the songs here are bloody awful, and the rest are just so-so. Warning: just because an album is re-released with bonus tracks does not necessarily mean it’s good. “Andy Warhol” is simply one of the worst songs ever written, and “Kooks” and “The Bewlay Brothers” aren’t much better. This record isn’t fit to be mentioned in the same breath as The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars.
11. Nick Cave - The Boatman’s Call
    Just about any post-Birthday Party Cave belongs on this list. Pompous poetics for punks who miss their college lit classes. If someone can argue that the title “Brompton Oratory” means anything more than Cave likes to sound erudite, I’m listening. The music? As hot-aired as the master’s musings.
12. Led Zeppelin - Physical Graffiti
    The primary inspiration for This Is Spinal Tap, and that’s not a compliment. All the years of Quaaludes and teenage groupies culminated in this plodding, faux-blues double LP. The moronic “Kashmir” is ten minutes of pure torture and is symbolic of the entire affair. Albums like this helped usher in the 70s punk explosion, though, so I guess it’s not a total disaster.
13. Stereolab - Transient Random-Noise Bursts with Announcements
    This would do just fine for somebody who wants to be associated with “arty” music but that has no real preference beyond that. Do you really want people to look at you in this light? Transient Random-Noise is nothing more than a collection of artful and/or ironic poses snatched up from obvious, if more interesting sources. Lose the Stereolab.
14. Oasis - What’s the Story, Morning Glory?
    Let the wash of guitars subside for a minute and just listen to the lyrics of Britpop’s object d’ art. Lots of June-spoon-moon rhyming, eh? So you say. Let this be the day. To sell your copy on Ebay.
15. Echo and the Bunnymen - Heaven Up Here
    This is the all-time worst album with the best cover. The image of the band silhouetted against a dark, damp shore promises moody, atmospheric music on a par with The Doors or Joy Division. But by the end of the album’s third song, “Over The Wall,” you’ll wonder if you ever heard so much pompous whining in your life. By the time “All I Want” ends this teary-de-force, you’ll vow never to complain again.
16. Public Enemy - Apocalypse ‘91 – The Enemy Strikes Black
    After Nation of Millions and Fear of a Black Planet, Chuck D. and Flavor Flav found out millions of black and white ears were waiting for the next album. Too bad they knew their audience had grown. Far from testing new ears, each song on Apocalypse panders to expectations for protest and agitprop. No subtleties or true evocations of inner-city life here — just a variety of easy platitudes and anti-media pieties like “A Letter to the NY Post.” Keep it between you and the OpEd page, Chuck.
17. Pearl Jam - Vs.
    “Ed Vedder” says it best himself (courtesy of an Amazon.com reviewer for whom English is not, I suspect, a first language): “When I made this album I can’t even begin to tell you how much I was in love with my music. This a work of art culminating from the raw sound of Ten that begins a journey on the unpredictable era that we are in now. Thank you for enjoying my music.”
18. Death Cab for Cutie - Something About Airplanes
    Don’t believe the hype. It’s Sunny Day Real Estate lite. I mean: diet Built to Spill. Wait! New Coke. I like the packaging; it has vellum and everything, but all the brass staples in the world couldn’t justify the attention these shiny darlings get.
19. Beck - Midnite Vultures
    Wow, he sounds like Rick James and Prince too — so cool! He really “wears his influences on his sleeve,” doesn’t he? Yeah! Great lyrics — very postmodern! He really “has his tongue firmly planted in his cheek” doesn’t he? You should know that Beck is the Christina Aguilera of the indie set — sell this piece of shit while you still can.
20. Fugazi - 13 Songs
    Okay, Ian, we get it – don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? Oh yeah, that’s right, BE A BORING PREACHY MOTHERFUCKER. Get drunk and use this one as your beer coaster.
21. Derek and the Dominoes - Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs
    The title track is a classic, “Bell Bottom Blues” is a top-drawer ballad and “Little Wing” is the most spirited Hendrix cover recorded. But the rest of this double album set is bloated by meandering jams, Eric Clapton’s self-pitying yowls and the bootlicking of bandmates who are all too happy to bask in his indulgent limelight. Don’t enable this vanity. Burn the best songs, or at least buy a greatest hits CD.
22. The Who - Tommy
    A couple of decent songs wrapped around a lot of filler. You know, there was a time when big operatic themes and bombast were pretty cool. That time was last century.
23. Tom Waits - Mule Variations
    Maybe this is cutting-edge for VH-1, but we know better because we have Rain Dogs and Swordfishtrombones, and this is an almost song-by-song remake of the two, and thus unnecessary. I hate to even ask this, but has Tom Waits run out of ideas? Sell this disappointment and free up a space on your shelf.
24. Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine
    Since you’ve updated your collection with Marilyn Manson albums, are you really going to pull this one out? And if so, are you also going to put on your sister’s old black tights that you ripped full of holes just to wear to the concert back in 1995? Probably not, because by the time the second song is over, you will be ill with memories of Doc Martens and bad dye jobs.
25. Beastie Boys - Paul’s Boutique
    People sometimes ask me, “President Bush, why are you always railing against the Beastie Boys?” Well, let me tell you — they fucking suck. To the numerous victims of an unwarranted and pre-mature Beastie Boys nostalgia, I must point out that their delivery (itself lifted from aging raps) has not changed an iota since the release of this much-ballyhooed 1989 release. Subtract out the know-it-all frat boy “humor” and borrowed kitsch and you got zilch. Many tap Paul’s Boutique as their masterpiece, which is simply false — only the Dust Brothers’ production lifts the album out of the trash heap. Until Paul’s Boutique is properly relabeled and filed under “Dust Brothers” at record stores, removing this album from your collection is an ethical imperative. If you do not, the terrorists have already won.

1. U2 - Zooropa
   After capably adding techno touches to the masterful Achtung Baby, U2 spent the rest of the ’90s vainly chasing after the muses of trip-hop, acid jazz and rave. Although Zooropawas deemed challenging and ahead of its time by fans who listened to nothing but anthem-rock, time has proven tracks like “Stay,” “Daddy’s Gonna Pay for Your Crashed Car” and “Dirty Day” to be mediocre songs that were considered cool because they sounded weird.
2. The Posies - Dear 23
   We’re so smart. WE didn’t get married in college. WE didn’t even go to college, so now we’ll write songs making fun of everyone beneath us. (See King Missile’s “Sensitive Artist” for details).
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik
   These “funksters” are a testament to the triumph of style over substance in modern music. Once you get past the tattoos, piercings, and tube socks on their cocks, the Chili Peppers were just another over-hyped L.A. band. Don’t accept anything less than 50 cents when you sell this disc at your used record store. Give it away give it away give it away now.
4. Macy Gray - On How Life Is
   They say this was a real tour de force. Nu-Soul, they call it. Right, and she sounds like Nina Simone and Sly Stone. Jesus people, you’d think There’s a Riot Goin’ On was out of print. This fluff will have the longevity of a fruit fly.
5. White Stripes - White Blood Cells
   I know that they’re absolutely adorable, they may or may not be siblings (how mysterious!), and they turn down million-dollar Gap ads, but is anyone tired of The White Stripes yet? I guess indie rock hipsters are as starved for something seemingly new as the general public is, though I thought we already went through this bluesy punk thing in the early-90s with the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Now that it’s 2002, you can safely close the books on The White Stripes (and The Strokes) without losing your indie cred.
6. Chemical Bothers - Dig Your Own Hole
   This seminal “big beat” album panders to your worst impulses. You bought it because you like rock and would like hip hop if it weren’t for all the rapping that tends to accompany it. So the Chemical Brothers have obliged with a slickly-produced rock album with hip hop beats, sans inscrutible rhyming jabber. Shame on you.
7. Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin
   Maybe in this band’s hometown of Oklahoma City folks think it would be cool if Led Zeppelin and Yes joined forces to back Neil Young on “A Man Needs A Maid.” Well, folks in most other parts think the idea of Jimmy Page and Rick Wakeman playing together while Young warbles away would sound like a monstrosity. And trying to approximate the sound of this fantasy jam is just sad. As sad and unlistenable as this album.
8. Jefferson Airplane - Surrealistic Pillow
   Gosh – do I even need to explain this one? LSD-addled San Francisco hippies form a rock band, sing about Alice In Wonderland and other “groovy” subjects, and we’re still paying the price on FM radio and in Vietnam War movies. This album is a total bummer, man.
9. Dave Brubeck - Time Out
   My dad said that when he was a young hipster when this was released in 1959, it was de rigeur to own this to make your record collection cool, even if you never stuck it on your turntable. Times haven’t changed – you never play this one either. Admit it and get rid of it.
10. Beastie Boys - Hello Nasty
    Hey gramps, gimme that microphone. This shit really takes the cake. I bet you think that owning this “rap” album makes you feel “well-rounded” or “worldly” or something.
11. Prince - Emancipation
    Quit buying every single Goddamned Prince release! Don’t you know he fell off in like ‘89? You bought this 3-CD set because you thought that the sheer number of songs guaranteed a few keepers. You were wrong.
12. John Coltrane - Giant Steps
    Most jazz created after the Big Band era is essentially musical masturbation (and like masturbation, if you must do it, you should do it in private!). It’s self-indulgent noodling interesting only to the person playing it, a few fetishists, and lots of psuedo-intellectuals and wannabe hipsters who have to pretend to like it because it’s “cool.” Like porno, it’s dismissive of and degrading to both the performer and the viewer. People who watch porno do so alone for a reason… it’s embarrassing. Some pornos are glossier and prettier than others, and Coltrane may be the John Holmes of jazz, but porno is still porno, and Giant Steps is still a tedious, embarrassing, snoozer of an album.
13. Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention - We’re Only In It For The Money
    While skewering hippies is certainly cool, and Zappa’s moral character is above reproach, this whole enterprise reeks of that scourge known as jazz fusion. It also sounds remarkably like the acid-rock they’re supposedly ridiculing. Don’t believe the critical hype.
14. Wilco - Being There
    I will never understand how this scattered, slipshod mess was praised so loudly, while Son Volt continues to fly under the radar. While A.M. was enjoyable, though lightweight, Being There just serves to prove that Jay Farrar was the Lennon to Jeff Tweedy’s McCartney.
15. Morrissey - Morrissey
    Now that I’m older and pretty sure I’m heterosexual, my Morrissey albums just don’t get much play, except when I’m feeling sorry for myself – then there’s nothing sweeter than the croon of the coiffured one. I remember when Kurt Cobain killed himself, Morrissey was quoted as saying he wondered if he would have had the courage to do that. Well, we can always wish.
16. Pulp Fiction - Original Soundtrack
    It was inevitable to have this in ‘94, but now you’re over the cheeky Neil Diamond cover, you’ve heard “Miserlou” 800 times, and you’ve bought Al Green’s Greatest Hits. It’s time to get on with your life, isn’t it?
17. The Police - Zenyatta Mondatta
    To paraphrase: “T-Toss-toss-toss, This out-out-out/That’s all I have to say to you.” Keep Outlandos d’Amour andRegatta de Blanc. Everything else is overwhelmed by the shallow ball of ego that is Sting.
18. The Kinks - Arthur – Or the Decline and Fall of the British Empire
    It’s easy to romanticize the Kinks as artistes victimized by the trendiness of ’60s rock. But those who think this 1969 concept album about dying British values should have been as popular as Tommy should listen again. Ray Davies makes his point in each song by the end of the first verse and… then makes the point a couple more times. All this while the band hides their uninspired playing behind a half-assed horn section. “Victoria” and “Shangri La” are the best of this lot and can be found on The Kink Kronikles.
19. Jane’s Addiction - Nothing’s Shocking
    Self-indulgent, derivative pap from the most overrated so-called “alternative” band. “Hey guys, are we metal, goth, or art-school?” These poseurs are neither shocking nor original.
20. Celine Dion - Colour of My Love
    This freakish French Canadian warbler is… oh fuck it. You already know this sucks.
21. Helmet - Meantime
    Despite the fact that Helmet has its share of imitators these days, they’re hardly ready for Hall of Fame induction. At the time, they seemed like Fugazi’s dark, pissed off, mysterious cousin that…ya know…rocked. Now, it just sounds militant and irrelevant. Haven’t put it on for years.
22. Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
    For those who raved over this post-grunge magnum opus six years ago, just reading the title should make you cringe. The “Dawn to Dusk”/”Twilight to Starlight” themes should make you wince. Lines like “the world is a vampire” should make you avert your eyes. Billy Corgan’s presumption that Mellon Collie would be The Wall of the ’90s should make you trade this for anything else that includes “1979.”
23. XTC - White Music
    Overly hyperactive noodlings from a band without an identity. Even the much ballyhooed “Along The Watchtower” cover isn’t all that, and what’s the point after Hendrix’s version? Too lightweight for punk, too breakneck-speed for pop, it’s just plain irritating. Go for Drums And Wires and Black Sea instead.
24. Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation
    Has anyone actually listened to this album all the way through, I mean without fast forwarding through “The Sprawl or skipping over “Rain King” or wishing even “Teen Age Riot” was just a little bit shorter? Okay, so “Total Trash” is still one of SY’s best songs, maybe because for a moment the art-symphonic pretensions are put aside (I won’t even get into the SYR collaborations – yawn) and the band’s content to rock a recognizable melody.
25. Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas
    My ex-girlfriend stole this when she moved out (though I kept her copy of Everything But the Girl’s Amplified Heart- fair trade?), and man am I glad she did. It may be Elizabeth Fraser’s sexiest performance, but have you listened to the lyrics? Okay, that’s a trick question – the vocals are indecipherable for a reason – but next time you feel yourself getting ethereal try keeping your feet on the ground, won’t you? And don’t even think of putting on that Dead Can Dance disc!

1. Radiohead - I Might be Wrong: Live Recordings / Built To Spill - Live
   Both of these bands are practically fellated by critics and fans alike, as if there’s something new and exciting happening in their studio work. One is a Neil Young retread, and the other is a Neil Young ripoff. People, people: classic rock is not dead, just getting plastic surgery. Meanwhile, both bands release live albums that are just chaff to fulfill their contract obligations cheaply. All live albums suck, and these are no exception.
2. Mogwai - Come On Die Young
   What’s wrong with you people? Are you all hopped up on goofballs? If you are, maybe this album has some sort of appeal. But get yourself sober and then try listening to it. Soundscapes, my ass! This album is boooooooooooooooooring! So very very boring. Give me something I can use, would ya? A hook or two… Something! Anything!
3. Hole - Live Through This
   Part of me wanted to leave this blank, because the band and album’s legacy speak for themselves. Courtney Love is famous for fucking dead rock stars and stealing things that don’t belong to her. She is not talentless, however: she’s got a gift for self-promotion that makes one want to break shit. Like her fucking records, for instance. The “music” Hole makes is complete and utter crap. On the upside, nice tits, honey.
4. Tori Amos - Under the Pink
   If I have to hear one more time about how, even though I don’t like her music, I should at least be impressed with her [fill in musical ability here]. Frankly, I don’t feel I have to and you shouldn’t be made to feel that way either! It’s okay to not like this album or any of her music, trust me.
5. Arrested Development - 3 Years, 5 Months, & 2 Days In The Life Of…
   This is non-threatening rap-lite for sensitive white liberals who want to “keep it real” and experience hip-hop safely. Some used record stores will still pay $3.00 to take this off your hands, so what are you waiting for?
6. No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom
   Ska? No, not ska. Pop. Feminist? No, not feminist. Victimist. Blonde? No, not blonde. Bleach. Good? No, not good. Bad.
7. Love and Rockets - Earth, Sun, Moon
   This album asks the musical question: Are we deep if we play acoustic guitars and record in weird echoey voices? Thanks for playing, boys.
8. Ben Folds Five - Whatever and Ever, Amen
   You KNOW you own this. Again, he’s not deep just because he plays the piano, and bitterness doesn’t necessarily make good music.
9. Elvis Presley - From Elvis In Memphis
   Pre-cursor to the 1970s Las Vegas lounge-act Elvis, this is cheesy adult pop for your parents. Why is this 1969 “comeback” touted as the greatest Elvis album ever? Just buy The Sun Sessions and send this hunk of burnin’ love back to Graceland.
10. Alejandro Escovedo - Bourbonitis Blues
    It used to be that Alejandro Escovedo’s songs about love, loss and life on the road appealed to anyone who craved soulful music. But this guy can’t stop singing about getting drunk, getting chumped and celebrating those who use him like a doormat. By the time he covers “Sex Beat” by Gun Club on Bourbonitis, you want to say “in your dreams.”
11. Rancid - And Out Come The Wolves
    Don’t let the mohawks and combat boots fool you, kids – these chumps are the Black Crowes of “punk,” aided and abetted by the loathsome Epitaph label. Buy The Specials and The Clash and give this CD a good old-fashioned curb-stomping.
12. Green Day - Dookie
    In the aftermath of Nirvana’s demise, this band came along and made “alternative” rock fun again for the kids. I’d like to believe that Green Day’s success led its fans to discover the The Buzzcocks and The Jam, the two bands from which Green Day unabashedly took its sound, but I suspect not. Dookie is a dated piece of pop culture detritus and belongs in the Museum of Teen Fads, not on your CD shelf.
13. Rush - Moving Pictures
    If it looks like prog rock and smells like prog rock, it’s prog rock. This is not, I repeat, NOT a viable alternative to Yes, E.L.P., and all the other wankers from that bloated 70s scene. Is there anything more grating than Geddy Lee’s shrill vocals? Add the smug instrumental chops, and you’ve got an unfortunate cultural phenomenon that still seems to be going strong.
14. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
    Those who were raised on this album have put it in long term storage since it became a resurrected hit on campus and could be heard blaring from every goddamn dorm room in between “Fly Like an Eagle” and “Margaritaville,” which resulted in sickness, depression, and even academic failure for those who would rather remember Floyd as a childhood soundtrack, but were then no longer able.
15. Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, Surfacing
    You get to keep ONE. Which one? Flip a coin. It won’t make any difference.
16. Ani DiFranco - Self-titled/Puddle Dive/Not So Soft
    These CDs attest to why developing artists don’t usually release albums. Ani was too stubborn to spare us. Two decent songs from three cds is a sad ratio.
17. Paula Cole - This Fire
    Ah, step by grueling step through Paula’s therapy sessions. She’s angry! She’s repressed. She’s angry! She’s happy. She’s outraged…(see track listing for sense of closure).
18. Einstürzende Neubauten - Kollaps
    Der gelegentliche Hörer würde solchen Mißklang nie verstehen – und hat damit einen wichtigen Punkt, weil die Kotze auf dieser Platte eigentlich fucking unlistenable ist.
19. U2 - War
    “We do make, and we will continue to make, soul music. Soul music is when you bring what’s on the inside to the outside.” (Bono, 1983) –Actually, defecating is when you bring what’s on the inside to the outside, Mr. MacPhisto. Well done with 1983’s War.
20. Gin Blossoms - New Miserable Experience
    In 1992, college dorms and fraternities were drowning in this whiny, self-absorbed power pop. A decade later finds this aural melodrama aging quite miserably.
21. Counting Crows - August and Everything After
    Start with stale ’70s pop-rock formula, reheat in early ’90s crock pot, stir in “moody” MTV videos and pour out over-ripe moneymaker CD slop.
22. Offspring - Smash
    Do you really need to be told to get rid of this album? To label these schmucks as punk is an insult to all the actual punk bands past and present. This shit was THE soundtrack to all those slammin’ fraternity parties back in 1994. The Delta Tau brothers couldn’t get enough of that “keep ‘em separated” song (hell, they learned how to “mosh” to this band!), but you’ve had enough, and so have I. This horse manure isn’t “pretty fly for a white guy,” or any other guy for that matter.
23. The Cult - Electric
    This album, and band, was laughable even back in those heady butt-rock days of the late-80s. While aping Zeppelin isn’t reason enough to dismiss a band entirely, The Cult adds a Doors-like pretension to the equation, resulting in a completely derivative album. Just look at the picture of these wankers on the album’s front cover if you have any doubts about Electric’s merit.
24. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band
    Nearly killing rock and roll in the name of ‘psychedelia’ by adding strings and excessive production. You pretentious Limeys, Sinatra had been doing the same thing for years!!
25. Michelle Shocked - Captain Swing and Sinead O’Connor – Am I Not Your Girl?
    Michelle’s songs had more heart recorded on a walkman (Texas Campfire Tapes). I know you both wanted to salute your roots; next time, just write a letter, okay?

1. Erykah Badu - Mama’s Gun
   Soul has one of the deepest and most compelling back catalogs of any genre, which sets the bar dauntingly high for the new soul kids on the block. Baduizm’s (relative) originality and welcome hip hop accents made it one of the few keepers among “Nu Soul” releases. Badu’s second album, Mama’s Gun, is comparatively lackluster, if more coherent and refined. Use the proceeds of this sale to buy the 12-inch of “Bag Lady,” which is better than the album version.
2. Dinosaur Jr. - You’re Living All Over Me
   What is the big fucking deal with this album? Should we really be celebrating the return of the 1970s wanky guitar solo to indie rock? (don’t even get me started on Built to Spill) Murky production, marble-mouthed vocals from J. Mascis – surely you grew out of this one years ago, but in case you forgot to do so, this is just a gentle reminder to purge this and all Dinosaur Jr. albums from your collection at once.
3. Cat Stevens - Footsteps in the Dark
   How many times do you have to watch Harold and Maude before you get the not-so-deep message? This album makes me happy he converted.
4. The Wallflowers - Self-titled
   If not for Jakob’s last name, this album would be languishing in the back bins with lesser-known male pop singer/songwriters like Freedy Johnston, David Gray, Jude Cole, Lloyd Cole, and others more deserving.
5. R.E.M. - Out of Time
   It’s sad to see an old favorite finally cross over into Adult Contemporary territory. Long-time fans suspected something was awry with R.E.M.’s previous LP, the major label debut Green, but this sickly sweet follow up still dealt a major blow to college radio and discerning music fans everywhere. How can you manage to sit through the opening track, “Radio Song,” without dying from embarrassment? I guess Michael Stipe wanted to show he’s down with KRS-ONE since Sonic Youth got Chuck D. to guest on THEIR album the previous year. R.E.M. even manages to make KRS sound flat, and that’s no small feat.
6. The Presidents of the United States of America - Self-titled
   Look, just because they’re not selling anything with these jingles doesn’t make them ARTISTS.
7. Russell Simins - Public Places
   Providing the backbeat to the Blues Explosion is no small feat. It’s too bad Simins can’t be happy doing what he does best. I said it when Grohl strapped on the ax…you’re massive on the kit, so get your ass back there and stop trying to be the front man – you’re destined for mediocrity. I wanted to like these songs more than I actually did… rather juvenile shit.
8. Grateful Dead – ALL RECORDINGS
   One of my favorite bumper stickers reads, “Jerry’s dead, The Grateful Dead suck, get a life.” When clean and sober individuals with a sense of pitch listen to any Dead recording, they will be immediately struck by the fact that everyone in the band plays out of tune. Unless you’re still dropping acid weekly and pulling out your remastered copies of Workingman’s Dead and American Beauty while you’re tripping, it’s time you heeded the words of my favorite bumper sticker.
9. Pink - Missundaztood
   Oh come on! Really now. Why should this one NOT be on the list? Give me one good reason, and I’ll take it off! Eh? See?! There are none. While a couple of the songs on here are jiggy, once you’ve heard them for the third time, you’re ready to cock your gun and shoot someone. And those are the GOOD songs.
10. Husker Du - Zen Arcade
    When I was striving to be hip and cutting edge, I learned this was the record to have. The first time around, it sounded rather like an unlistenable mess. But I was determined and sure that repeated listenings would reveal depth and profound insight. The tenth time around, it still was an unlistenable mess.
11. Bob Marley & the Wailers - Legend
    While there’s nothing inherently wrong with Bob Marley or the song selection on this greatest hits collection, there is something wrong with the omnipresence of this CD. It is the Hotel California or “Stairway to Heaven” of the reggae world, which means that its fans have ruined the album for everyone, including you, by playing it into the ground. Every Birkenstock-wearing, hackey-sack-playing, REI-shopping bastard in the whole world has played this disc at every party, gathering, and road trip in the history of the world, and I for one have had enough. Now it’s my turn to get up and stand up for MY rights. If you don’t remove this from your collection, I will.
12. Madonna - The Immaculate Collection
    This is NOT the immaculate collection. All of her good stuff was produced AFTER this sampling of songs was collected. Even with the big resurgence of popular 80s hits back on the airwaves, her best stuff is definitely post-80s. That’s my vote, and I’m stickin’ to it!
13. The Spunk - Spunk’s Not Dead
    Gads, this is one of those supposedly highly influential bands that old “hipsters” are always trying to turn people on to. It sounds outdated, it *is* outdated. I don’t care how much fuckin’ Lou Reed or your local indie record store crush spouts off about it. Give it a rest and return it to the sale bin where it belongs.
14. Bad Brains - Rock For Light
    It’s difficult for me to say this, but Bad Brains kind of sucks. I’ve always wanted to like this group a lot – the idea of black Rastafarians from Washington D.C. pumping out hardcore punk is a very intriguing one. The problem, as this album demonstrates, is that orthodox hardcore doesn’t stand the test of time very well. Every song is two minutes long, has very little melody, features mediocre songwriting, and contains very little in the way of dynamics. The only good songs on the album are the reggae tracks, frankly, and you can find better practitioners of reggae elsewhere.
15. Sting - Ten Summoner’s Tales
    Is anybody else as sick of Sting as I am? I don’t understand how someone can go from being totally original, starting out in punk and rock, transitioning to jazz, and then to absolute CRAP pop? What the hell? Next he’ll be doing country-western, and I ain’t buyin’ it.
16. Sublime - Self-titled
    “What I Got’s” a frightening frat-house flashback every time I hear this fucking album. Gap khaki chinos, Abercrombie pull-overs, white collegiate ball caps, shivering sorority chicks, Lycra t-shirts, midriff, the Liquor Control Board, Jessica Phillips, cheese, the top bunk. Did I mention Everclear?
17. Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes
    This album that sounded so naughty and cool back when you were 17 now just sounds really embarrassing. Yeesh.
18. INXS - Listen Like Thieves
    Michael Hutchence and his mates were basically in the same tier of rock music as Mr. Mister and the Hooters, except with a very dangerous edge. While this album can have a black hole-like nostalgic pull, I urge you to listen to it with friends. After the initial nods of recognition at “What You Need” and “Listen Like Thieves” pass, requests for another selection will rightly follow. Sweep aside fond memories — INXS is acknowledged by the State of California to be associated with cancer in lab rats.
19. The Roots - Things Fall Apart
    Aside from the Black Thought/Mos Def collaboration on “Double Trouble,” this critical darling is frankly unremarkable among hip hop releases. The novelty of having live, competent musicians playing behind a rapper shouldn’t leave anybody in a lather, but unfortunately it has. Subtract out the live musicians and you’ve got a third-rate MC in Black Thought. Take him out of the equation and all that remains is a funk band with a painfully homogenous sound.
20. The Prodigy - Music for the Jilted Generation
    The album that married the quasi-anonymous, “underground” culture of techno to rock’s pathetic culture of celebrity. MTV videos with dancers and Johnny Lydon lookalikes only served to make the music tedious. Further, The Prodigy gets extra removal points for being a pioneer of the combination of rapping and the Big Guitar Sound and can be at least partly blamed for the pallid rock/rap wasteland that is pop music these days.
21. Beastie Boys - Check Your Head/Ill Communication
    The Beastie Boys’ third album saw their only innovations: some live instrumentation and distorted vocals! What followed was a renaissance in music. What also followed was Ill Communication, which sported, of all things, live instrumentation, distorted vocals and some chanting monks. Just as the Chinese suppression of Tibet’s national aspirations must end, so must the Beastie Boys’ unwarranted grip on the public imagination.
22. The Doors - The Best of the Doors
    Jesus, this crap has been so played out through my lifetime that I’m surprised it’s not on fucking grocery store muzak by now! Even the “classic rock” stations don’t play it anymore. And those annoying NPR interviews with Ray Manzarek at the piano don’t help it one bit.
23. Alicia Keys - Songs in A Minor
    Anybody who sings “A real woman/knows a real man/always comes first,” and means it, needs a good pummeling. And we already have Prince to do the Prince songs for us. I’d choose the Artist over the Non-Artist any day.
24. The Wu Tang Clan - The W
    Since the used CD bins are already brimming with this disaster of an album, you probably had better send it out with the trash. Though opinions vary as to which, there is said to be one good song on this album. It is not, however, the lead single, “Gravel Pit,” whose sampled hook Cypress Hill had used in 1991. Ah for the days, long passed, when a new Wu Tang release sent a buzz through the hip hop-loving land. Don’t even think of buying Iron Flag, the new Wu joint.
25. Kool Keith - Black Elvis
    When such gems as the Ultramagnetic MCs albums, Octagon, and Sex Style came out, legions of kiddies were prepared to become Kool Keith completists. Unfortunately, this album marks the point when Kool Keith’s ideas finally ran dry. Every release since has been unspeakably bland and/or offputtingly personal (ten songs about how shitty the record industry is, anyone?). It’s a shame.

Share on Facebook

I just got an email from some douche bag  by the name of Ben Berkman. Ben  Berkman is a douche bag for two reasons.  The first- he sent me an email with the subject line ‘are you along for the ride?’ by this abomination of a band called paper tonges.  and let me be the first to say that these guys are a bunch of posers.  of course- you can tell by just looking at their press photo.  I mean- seriously a couple of the guys have sunglasses on.  I’ll get to more bashing of them in a second.  But- as people- I will say that I have nothing against them and they are probably all cool guys to hang out with.  Further more- for me to bash or hate on them for their overnight success would make me a hippocrite.  I was in a “put together/ shop to the labels band- all about looks opposed to talent” type situation abut 4 or 5 years ago.  In all fairness to paper tongues- their overnight success runs circles around mine- “in the poser band arena anyway”.

Ok back to the bashing.  Ben Berkman- is a douche for not only sending me this bull shit, but by being a part of the over campaign as well.  In all likelihood- Ben Berkman is either a record executive or the intern at the major that sent me this.  Either way- with a name like Berkman- we can all conclude that Mr. Berkman wasn’t necessarily hawking records out of his trunk, touring or sending a Jamie Widder type report to earn any type of cred whatsoever.  Anyway- the below link which will take you to the actual link of the “new hit song” that many of you will probably actually like is below.

Paper Tongues – Ride To California.

ok.

Iron Mike hamilton

Share on Facebook

40 BLIND MELON
A video made them; heroin undid them
Led by Axl Rose’s mewling, drug-plagued pal Shannon Hoon, Blind Melon’s lightweight rock would have been forgotten completely were it not for the boundless charm of “Bee Girl” Heather DeLoach, whose hoofing in the video for “No Rain” made the tune the band’s lone hit.
Worst CD Soup (Capitol, 1995)

39 BOB GELDOF
Should have stuck to saving the planet
He organized the Live Aid concerts, but “Saint” Bob Geldof is a less-than-godlike musical talent. In 1989, he released The Vegetarians of Love, a terrible quasi-Cajun album that was recorded in five days — and sounded like it. Thirteen years later came Sex, Age & Death, effectively a midlife crisis — replete with achingly embarrassing claims of undiminished sexual potency — set to music. Like most of his solo work, it stiffed.
Appalling fact One recent Geldof song, “10:15,” features the line “She told me I was beautiful/And I made her come a lot.”
Worst CD Sex, Age & Death (Koch, 2002)

37 THE DOORS
He was the Lizard King. No, really…
While in college, many young men still choose to immerse themselves in such ill-advised subjects as Nietzsche, black magic and Native American folklore. Most get over it; Jim Morrison, unfortunately, inflicted his terminally adolescent views on the wider world. The consequences included overblown screeds of nonsense such as “The End” and “The Crystal Ship,” plus, effectively, the invention of goth. Then he got fat and died.
Appalling fact Morrison is widely believed to have suffered his fatal heart attack while masturbating in the bathtub.
Worst CD The Soft Parade (Elektra, 1969)

36 98 DEGREES
Well, their mothers must love them
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception,” quipped Groucho Marx. He’d have been hard-pressed to remember this utterly unremarkable Ohio boy band, though he would have loved to have forgotten their music. Harmonies, schmaltzy urban soul and even more saccharine life philosophy (“Persevere, work hard, have faith and eventually you’ll reach your goal”) paid dividends in the late ’90s, as third-rate cheese such as “I Do (Cherish You)” and “Because of You” somehow became big hits.
Appalling fact Buy the 98 Degrees official board game — and find out which band member once autographed a diaper!
Worst CD This Christmas (Uptown/ Universal, 1999)

35 PAUL OAKENFOLD
Hey, Mr. DJ: Keep your day job!
As a remixer of note, “Oakey” is lauded for turning the guitar-loving masses into Ecstasy-aware, sodden-shirted neophytes of ’90s dance music. But 2002’s Bunkka,the Englishman’s first album of original material, was an abject exercise in marketing, not music. Ham-fisted and clichéd, lacking direction and sparkle, nothing Oakenfold created himself would have inspired any DJs worth a lick. Dreadful.
Appalling fact Perry Farrell, Tricky, Ice Cube and Nelly Furtado all lined up to contribute to Bunkka. Presumably without hearing the music first.
Worst CD Bunkka (Maverick/Warner Bros., 2002)

34 LIVE
These U2 sound-alikes never did find what they were looking for
Blessed with the same spiritual longing as U2 — but, sadly, none of the musical cunning — this Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, quartet made a brief but insignificant splash in the early ’90s as purveyors of grandiose, vaguely uplifting alt-rock. Although their hold on the mainstream had evaporated by the end of the decade, their blend of loud guitars and portentous lyrics helped pave the way for crypto-Christian rockers Creed. Nice one, Live.
Appalling fact The album title Secret Samadhi derives from a form of Hindu meditation.
Worst CD Secret Samadhi (MCA, 1997)

33 JAPAN
An uncontestable argument against the ’80s
Japan formed in 1974 and soon discovered that their mixture of washed-out glam-rock, vaguely literary pretensions and bucketloads of makeup prompted little more than cruel laughter. The dawn of the ’80s, however, found things moving their way, and by 1981, plenty of easily distracted teens were wobbling enigmatically to “Voices Raised in Welcome, Hands Held in Prayer,” “The Art of Parties” and “Still Life in Mobile Homes” (the titles say it all).
Appalling fact Their version of Smokey Robinson & the Miracles’ “I Second That Emotion” might be the worst Motown cover of all time.
Worst CD Gentlemen Take Polaroids (Virgin, 1980)

32 THE HOOTERS
The great folk-rock scare
Philadelphians Rob Hyman and Eric Bazilian assembled a quintet that specialized in a vile blend of folk-rock and New Wave, in the process proving that the mandolin is more irritating than the synthesizer.
Worst CD Zig Zag (Columbia, 1989)

31 ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Too positive for their own good
Their 1992 debut, 3 Years, 5 Months & 2 Days in the Life Of…, sold 5 million copies despite containing some of the preachiest, most contrived “wisdom” ever laid down. Their studio follow-up, Zingalamundi, sank without a trace.
Worst CD Unplugged (Chrysalis, 1993)

30 RICHARD MARX
The devil-king of MOR
When it comes to the dreaded genre of adult contemporary, few were as archetypal as Winnetka, Illinois–born Richard Marx. The unbearably syrupy “Right Here Waiting,” from 1989, remains his most far-reaching hit, but it shows the extent to which America fell for his combination of mullet, Wedding Singer apparel and softer-than-soft rock that it was his third consecutive number 1 single.
Appalling fact Before his brief burst of stardom, Marx honed his painfully bland art as a backing singer for Lionel Richie.
Worst CD Repeat Offender (Capitol, 1989)

29 SKINNY PUPPY
The audience rarely sang along to “Dogshit”
And so it came to pass in the 1980s that two Canadian Kevins changed their names to cEvin and Nivek in order to make themselves more interesting, hired a singer named Dwayne (who would die of a heroin overdose) and spent almost a decade making ear-torturing industrial music. The sound of whiny students on drugs sampling Timothy Leary — as scary as Mannheim Steamroller.
Appalling fact On the Head Trauma tour, cEvin sliced open his stomach with broken glass and performed a vivisection. Relax, everyone — he was only pretending.
Worst CD Too Dark Park (Nettwerk, 1990)

28 CRASH TEST DUMMIES
They said Brad Roberts’s voice was so deep it could be heard only by whales. Not true, sadly
If you want to be recognized as serious recording artists with a whimsical, folksy bent, it’s probably best not to notch your only hit with a daft novelty song based around the world’s silliest lead vocal and title it “Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm.” The remainder of God Shuffled His Feet, this Canadian band’s second album, was much worse. They released I Don’t Care That You Don’t Mind in 2001. No one cared.
Appalling fact They’re Canadian.
Worst CD A Worm’s Life (Arista, 1996)

27 COLOR ME BADD
These Oklahomans sang about sex. But they couldn’t keep it up
Oklahoma City’s gain was New York’s loss when these four high-school friends left their hometown and headed east in search of fame. They found it in 1991 with the double-platinum single “I Wanna Sex You Up,” a literally unbelievable slice of lasciviousness from such inoffensive boys. Diluted hit followed diluted hit, but three watery albums later, CMB suddenly found themselves all washed up.
Appalling fact As kids, CMB regularly buttonholed such touring acts as Huey Lewis & the News and Bon Jovi for impromptu a cappella auditions.
Worst CD Now & Forever (Giant, 1996)

26 CÉLINE DION
One more reason to hate the French?
Seemingly hellbent from birth on proving that Michael Bolton isn’t the cheesiest balladeer on the face of the planet, the French-Canadian singer first secured a manager at age 12 — creepily, she later married him. But far more terrifying is her endless string of shrieking über-hits, particularly the Titanic theme, “My Heart Will Go On” — which, if it had been played on the ship itself, would surely have made passengers leap to their doom long before the iceberg did its dastardly deed.
Appalling fact You might want to stay clear of Nevada until 2006: Dion recently began a three-year engagement at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.
Worst CD Céline Dion (Epic, 1992)

25 JAMIROQUAI
The white, talentless Stevie Wonder
Where to start — the ludicrous headgear? The atrocious dancing? No, let us start, and finish, with the fact that Stevie Wonder has more talent in his dark glasses than Jay Kay has in his entire body.
Worst CD A Funk Odyssey (Epic, 2001)

24 BAD ENGLISH
With ex-members of Journey!
Suck-cheeked soft-rocker John Waite had scored big in 1984 with the ballad “Missing You.” But with his solo career stalling, and half of Journey toilet-bound without a singer, they forged an unholy late-’80s alliance. Bad English retailed puffed-up power ballads, while Waite cast himself as a doomed romantic hero.
Worst CD Backlash (Epic, 1991)

23 CREED
Whoever said the devil has all the best tunes was probably listening to Creed at the time
It’s doubtful there’s a more irritating sight in videodom than Creed’s Scott Stapp pulling one of his crucifixion poses while a wind machine blows his hair in the appropriate direction. But the Florida group’s real crime is its music, an overblown distillation of grunge’s most obviously commercial elements every inch as vapid as the music Nirvana and company were rebelling against.
Appalling fact This April, a fan sued the band following a show at which, it was alleged, Stapp was so incapacitated he was “unable to sing a single song.”
Worst CD Weathered (Wind-Up, 2001)

22 PRIMUS
“Care for some prog-rock with cartoon-character vocals on the side?” “No, thanks!”
Perhaps the most tune-free act ever to chart an album in the Top 10 (Pork Soda hit number 7 in 1993), Oakland, California’s Primus were led by Les Claypool, a bass virtuoso and startlingly nasal vocalist. Musicians and the terminally nerdy gaped in wide wonder at the trio’s prodigious instrumental “chops”; everyone else was repulsed by the band’s combination of the worst aspects of Frank Zappa and Rush.
Appalling fact The rallying cry for Primus’s misguided fans was “Primus sucks!” — intended as sarcasm yet all too true.
Worst CD Pork Soda (Interscope, 1993)

21 THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
The sound inside the head of Pink Floyd’s engineer. Zzzzzz…
Having conquered the Dark Side of the Moon, EMI Records’ beardy staff engineer Alan Parsons decided that what the universe really needed was a prog-rock concept album based on the work of nineteenth-century horror novelist Edgar Allan Poe, narrated by Orson Welles. It didn’t, of course, but an undeterred Parsons soldiered on, swapping prog-rock for vapid AOR in the ’80s. Finally bundled off to play guitar in Ringo Starr’s backing band, he was never seen again.
Appalling fact In the ’90s, the world-champion Chicago Bulls took the court to the pretentious swells of Parsons’s “Sirius.”
Worst CD Pyramid (Arista, 1978)

20 HOWARD JONES
He came from England. Thanks, England
In the mid-’80s, it was difficult to avoid synth-wielding Brits. The sprig-haired, perma-grinning Howard Jones was the most irritating, seemingly convinced that he had something very important to tell the world — his 1984 debut was grandly titledHuman’s Lib — but unclear exactly what it was.
Appalling fact Early in his career, Jones was accompanied by “improvisational dance” expert Jed Hoile, who, in keeping with the lyrics to “New Song,” mimed throwing off his “mental chains.”
Worst CD Live Acoustic America (Plump, 1996)

19 DAN FOGELBERG
Giving male sensitivity a bad name — one song at a time
A graduate of the coffeehouse circuit around the University of Illinois, Fogelberg came to epitomize the most emetic qualities of the ’70s singer-songwriter: the high, quavering voice, the knee-jerk sentimentality, the earnestly strummed acoustic guitar. He was blessed with a gift for vacuously pretty melodies, and his work also anticipated the vapidity of New Age music — although with the added annoyance of bad lyrics.
Appalling fact His 1982 hit “Run for the Roses” smelled of horse manure, and it was in fact about the Kentucky Derby.
Worst CD Twin Sons of Different Mothers (with Tim Weisberg) (Full Moon/Epic, 1978)

18 PAT BOONE
With his clean white bucks, he made rock & roll safe for ’50s nerds
Back before blue-eyed soul, Pat Boone made a career out of watering down ’50s R&B hits. Appealing to an audience who considered “race music” to be almost as bad as interracial dating, he had enormous success in making Fats Domino seem boring and Little Richard straight. After he spent the ’80s as a spokesperson for Christian conservatism, his album In a Metal Mood cursed heavy metal by treating it like big-band schlock.
Appalling fact In 1977, his daughter Debbie topped the charts with “You Light Up My Life.”
Worst CD In a Metal Mood (Hip-O, 1997)

17 BENZINO
He rapped, he co-owned
As silent co-owner of the hip-hop magazine The Source, Benzino embarrassingly ordered extensive feature coverage of his 2001 debut album, The Benzino Project,in the pages of his periodical. It didn’t work: The album sold fewer than 75,000 copies.
Worst CD The Benzino Project (Motown, 2001)

16 OINGO BOINGO
Artless art-rock
Oingo Boingo singer Danny Elfman went on to become one of Hollywood’s most in-demand soundtrack composers. But during his first go-round, he and his movie-director brother led this ostentatiously orchestrated L.A. New Wave group that began its pretentious career, not surprisingly, as a performance-art troupe.
Worst CD Only a Lad (A&M, 1981)

15 YANNI
Fabio meets Tesh!
As a member of the Greek national swimming team, 14-year-old Yanni Chryssomallis broke his country’s national freestyle record. But instead of bringing further glory to his homeland by going to the Olympics, he emigrated to the U.S. in 1972 and began his 30-year quest to offer wretched New Age twaddle to legions of Midwestern matrons, spa proprietors, insomniacs and his former paramour Linda Evans. Swimming’s loss is music’s loss.
Appalling fact “I avoid words. If instrumental music is done properly, it bypasses logic, programming and society. It becomes primal. I compose by emotion.”
Worst CD Yanni Live at the Acropolis (Private Music, 1993)

14 YNGWIE MALMSTEEN
Big on solos, short on songs
With his passion for the music of Deep Purple’s Ritchie Blackmore, Swedish guitar show-off Yngwie Malmsteen co-opted his hero’s deadpan demeanor, neoclassical solos and frilly cuffs, garnering kudos from ’80s bedroom guitar onanists for his playing speed. Yet Malmsteen never employed a proper songwriter, and his noodling hard rock — sometimes augmented by a full orchestra — has scored increasingly minuscule returns.
Appalling fact Malmsteen’s 1983 show at London’s Marquee club sold out in minutes because of unsuspecting Bruce Springsteen fans who thought they were attending a secret gig by the Boss.
Worst CD Concerto for Electric Guitar and Orchestra (Ranch Life, 1999)

13 MICK JAGGER
Even Bill Wyman laughs at Mick’s solo records
Given the roll call of A-list rockers who have appeared on the Stones frontman’s four solo ventures, even a tone-deaf 6-year-old could have produced something you’d want to hear twice, or at least once. Alas, it seems, there’s never a tone-deaf 6-year-old around when you need one. Even on 1993’s not-entirely-grimWandering Spirit, produced by Rick Rubin, Jagger does his damnedest to ruin things by inexplicably singing a sea shanty. That’s right — a sea shanty!
Appalling fact In his native U.K., Jagger’s latest solo release, Goddess in the Doorway, sold just 954 copies on its first day of release.
Worst CD Goddess in the Doorway (Virgin, 2001)

12 TIN MACHINE
David Bowie’s darkest (non-acting) hour
In 1989, having presumably become bored with excelling at pop, glam-rock and funk, chameleon David Bowie decided to demonstrate that he too could be really, really bad. The vehicle for this unlikely ambition was the plodding rock four-piece Tin Machine, whose two critically mauled studio albums and one “hilariously” titled live document (Oy Vey, Baby) found Bowie voluntarily subsuming his genius beneath chorus-free tunes and guitarist Reeves Gabrels’s habit of playing his instrument with a vibrator.
Appalling fact The band’s roadies wore T-shirts that read FUCK YOU, I LIKE TIN MACHINE. They were the only ones.
Worst CD Oy Vey, Baby (Victory, 1991)

11 LATOYA JACKSON
The least talented Jackson
Her voice may be thinner than Janet’s and her charisma dimmer than Tito’s, but her eyebrows uncannily resembled Michael’s, and for a short, confusing time in the ’80s, that was enough to earn Latoya Jackson a record deal. Typically, it was her private life rather than her hapless music that gained the most attention, after she accused her father of sexual abuse.
Worst CD From Nashville to You (Mar-Gor, 1994)

10 AIR SUPPLY
The sound of eunuchs sobbing
Disproving the theory that lightning never strikes twice in the same place, Air Supply contained not one but two mewling, lovesick softies whose name was Russell. In the early ’80s, the Australian duo’s gutless ballads — music so remorselessly fey it made Journey sound like Danzig — sent a generation of jilted lovers toppling into depression that was as clinical as the Russells’ music. Mercifully, though, by the end of the decade, the pair had cried themselves to sleep.
Appalling fact Determined to ruin the festive season, Air Supply once recorded a Christmas album.
Worst CD The Christmas Album (Arista, 1987)

9 LEE GREENWOOD
Gives patriotism a bad name
“Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel,” Samuel Johnson said, but in Lee Greenwood’s case, it’s the ultimate meal ticket for a Nashville hack. A bland balladeer with a weakness for overwrought sentimentality, he wrote the 1984 tune “God Bless the U.S.A.” in response to the Soviet downing of a South Korean airliner. It became a campaign theme for George H.W. Bush and was recently excavated in torturous fashion by the American Idol 2 cast during the war in Iraq.
Appalling fact Greenwood performed a duet with Latoya Jackson on her dreadful 1994 album, From Nashville to You.
Worst CD You’ve Got a Good Love Comin’ (MCA, 1985)

8 VANILLA ICE
The white boy to end all white boys
You know that yearbook photograph you won’t let anyone see? The one whose very existence keeps you awake shaking at night? Imagine it was a horribly dated number 1 single from 1990 called “Ice Ice Baby,” and you have an idea what life is like for Robert Van Winkle. It doesn’t stop there: Ice starred in the abysmal 1991 Hollywood vehicle Cool as Ice, and after squandering his quick fortune, mounted an unsuccessful comeback in 1998 as (shudder) a rap-rocker.
Appalling fact Widely denounced by hip-hop fans as a phony, Ice rebuffed his detractors at the 1991 American Music Awards: “Kiss my white ass!”
Worst CD Hard to Swallow (Republic, 1998)

7 ASIA
Ridiculous album sleeves, virtuoso playing, soulless rock. It can be only one band
Asia’s music turned out to be exactly the sum of its parts: former technicians from King Crimson, Emerson, Lake & Palmer and Yes who got together with an erstwhile Buggle at the start of the ’80s. It promised the most self-important prog-rock melded with the limp-wristed worst of AOR, and it delivered. The band’s self-titled debut sold more than 4 million copies, which only encouraged them.
Appalling fact To this day, keyboardist Geoff Downes is happy to offer Asia’s mission statement: “To play music that is panoramic, symphonic and rock at the same time.”
Worst CD Astra (Geffen, 1985)

6 KANSAS
Beware all bands named after states or continents!
Their folksy 1977 hit “Dust in the Wind,” a tractor-size fiddle player and a guitarist in bib overalls suggested pioneer-spirited rural rockers. The truth was far more sinister. Bereft of sex and emotion, Kansas’s music was a noxious fusion of Jethro Tull and Yes, appealing only to male sci-fi bores and guaranteed to drive any self-respecting frontiersman headlong into the nearest bear trap.
Appalling fact A feature of their live shows was roadie T. Rat, who would come onstage in a trench coat, top hat and clown mask. Then he would disrobe and dance butt-naked.
Worst CD Point of Know Return (Columbia, 1977)

5 STARSHIP
They built this city on rock & roll. And crap!
In 1985, Starship rose like a phoenix from the ashes of once-mighty psychedelic overlords Jefferson Airplane/Starship — but only if, by phoenix, you mean “ultra-lame, MTV-pandering purveyors of MOR schlock.” Best remembered for “We Built This City,” they were also responsible for unleashing the Diane Warren–penned “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” a song bad enough to appear on the soundtrack of the diabolical Andrew McCarthy “comedy” Mannequin. And its sequel!
Appalling fact Singer Grace Slick later disavowed “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” claiming in an interview, “I know damn well how fast a relationship can fall apart.”
Worst CD Love Among the Cannibals (RCA, 1989)

4 KENNY G
This guy really blows!
Hated equally by jazz and rock fans, Kenny Gorelick’s limpid instrumentals and obsequious cameos helped turn the soprano sax solo into pop music’s most feared cliché. He started his career with fusion hack Jeff Lorber, and his 1986 album,Duotones, established a steady market for anodyne, minimal background music, an aesthetic that reached its zenith in 1997 when “The G” set a world record by holding a single note for 45 minutes.
Appalling fact He graduated magna cum laude from the University of Washington with a degree in accounting.
Worst CD Classics in the Key of G (Arista, 1999)

3 MICHAEL BOLTON
Otis Redding died for this?
With his curly locks and toned abs, Michael Bolton looked like nothing so much as the hero of a cheap bodice-ripper, which was enough to earn him a fervent audience for his over-emoted late-’80s power ballads. Unfortunately, his greatest desire was to sing R&B oldies, which he went through like Sherman through Georgia.
Appalling fact After losing a plagiarism suit to the Isley Brothers, Bolton tried to avoid paying them royalties by buying their publishing house.
Worst CD Timeless: The Classics (Columbia, 1992)

2 EMERSON, LAKE & PALMER
Welcome back, my friends, to the second-worst band in history!
“Boasting” former members of the Nice, King Crimson and — yes! — Atomic Rooster, the less-than-super ’70s supergroup ELP shunned blues-based rock in favor of bombastically reinterpreted classical works — with bewilderingly successful results. A nightmarish enough proposition on record, the Brit trio’s live shows were peppered by interminable solo spots, including a 20-minute drum workout by Carl Palmer that ended with him ringing a cowbell held between his teeth.
Appalling fact Singer-bassist Greg Lake performed on a $10,000 Persian rug that roadies vacuumed before every show.
Worst CD Love Beach (Rhino, 1978)

1 INSANE CLOWN POSSE
They sound even stupider than they look
Two trailer-trash types who wear face paint, pretend to be a street gang and drench cult devotees in cheap soda called Faygo, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are more notorious for their beef with Eminem (who pistol-whipped an ICP homey in 2001) than their ham-fisted rap-rock music. They claim that a “dark carnival” visited them one night, prophesied impending apocalypse and made them its messengers. Between this circus gospel, they find plenty of time to rap about 40-ouncers and venereal disease.
Appalling fact While appearing on The Howard Stern Show in 1999, Shaggy 2 Dope told Sharon Osbourne to “buff my pickle.” She declined.
Worst CD The Wraith: Shangri-La (D3, 2002)

The 50 Worst Artists in Music History – Blender.

Share on Facebook

50 IRON BUTTERFLY
Everything bad about the ’60s, in one easy-to-avoid package
Legend has it that this Los Angeles acid-rock quintet had consumed such massive amounts of marijuana during the 1968 sessions for “In the Garden of Eden” that keyboardist-singer Doug Ingle could only mumble the title. Hence, “In-a-Gadda-da-Vida” was born, and its unexpurgated 17-minute version (including a two-and-a- half-minute drum solo) inaugurated the dubious era of free-form FM radio.
Appalling fact In-a-Gadda-da-Vida was the first LP ever to be certified platinum.
Worst CD Sun and Steel (MCA, 1975)

49 TOAD THE WET SPROCKET
Very poor name. Even poorer band
“We were together longer than we ever thought we’d be,” said Toad the Wet Sprocket singer Glenn Phillips when the band gave up in 1998. Longer than the rest of us had hoped, too. But the California four-piece defied the odds for 12 years, even piercing the Top 40 with their R.E.M. readymades.
Appalling fact Toad decided to have another go this year, playing dates with Counting Crows. Run.
Worst CD Pale (Columbia, 1990)

48 MASTER P
The dumbest of the Dirty South
In the late ’90s, rapper and label head Percy Miller copycatted G-funk, simplified it and launched a fleet of indistinguishable MCs wrapped in cheap-looking, jewel-riddled artwork. P’s worst offense was his solo work (his obnoxious breakout single, “Make Em Say Ugh,” consisted of little more than a repeated groan). Like a crawfish-suckin’ P. Diddy, he has, shockingly, earned millions from his No Limit imprint, which includes a clothing line, a publishing house — and even a phone company.
Appalling fact Master P had a Ferrari custom-painted in a Gucci-logo pattern.
Worst CD Only God Can Judge Me (No Limit, 1999)

47 GOO GOO DOLLS
Mediocre band, woeful balladeers
Buffalo, New York’s Goo Goo Dolls are former garage-rockers who, since their 1995 acoustic hit “Name,” have successfully flogged a pallid brand of Bon Jovi–lite “rock.” “Iris,” their smash 1998 weepie, gives power ballads a bad name.
Worst CD Gutterflower (Warner Bros., 2002)

46 THE SPIN DOCTORS
Beards. Extended “jams.” Oh dear, oh dear
For a brief time (between 1992 and 1996), it seemed that any workaday bar band, if it was willing to gamely trek around the country for at least three years, had a chance at superstardom (cf. Hootie and the Blowfish, Blues Traveler). Blame the Spin Doctors, hairy New Yorkers who — thanks to the supremely annoying “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” and “Two Princes” — momentarily opened a route between dive bars and the Billboard charts.
Appalling fact The Doctors got together while they were students at New York’s New School of Jazz.
Worst CD Homebelly Groove Live (Epic, 1992)

45 GIPSY KINGS
The curse of many a late-’80s dinner party
Having grown up on the French-Spanish border, the six cousins who formed Gipsy Kings craftily aspired to sell their mixture of flamenco, Eurotrash pop and questionable hairdos to a world desperate for something seemingly exotic. They seduced the über-rich at St. Tropez before hitching their wagon to the then-huge world-music boom, diluting the flamenco with drums, bass and even synthesizers. Soon, they became the Muzak in every bistro in the free world.
Appalling fact Well-known groover George H.W. Bush was so fond of the Gipsy Kings that he asked them to perform at his inaugural presidential ball. For some reason, they declined.
Worst CD Este Mundo (Elektra, 1991)

44 MANOWAR
None more metal. None more gay
An American answer to Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, Rochester, New York’s Manowar embody every conceivable heavy-metal cliché: Bodybuilders all, the four wear leather and animal pelts onstage; singer Eric Adams shrieks only of death, warfare and the glory of metal; Joey DeMaio performs solo bass renditions of “The Flight of the Bumblebee.” They’re quite possibly the most ludicrous people in rock & roll history.
Appalling fact In 1993, Russian youth voted Manowar above the Beatles and Michael Jackson as the act they would most like to see perform live.
Worst CD Sign of the Hammer (EMI, 1985)

43 MIKE & THE MECHANICS
“Every generation blames the one before,” they sang. So we will
While Phil Collins was torturing the world with his archetypal ’80s soft-rock, his Genesis colleague Mike Rutherford unwisely decided to join in. Ergo the Mechanics, a trio built around Rutherford, former Squeeze vocalist-keyboardist Paul Carrack and the late Paul Young. As shown by the 1989 number 1 hit “The Living Years,” an unbearably sentimental ode to Rutherford’s deceased father, they made Collins sound like the MC5.
Appalling fact Against significant odds, there is a U.K.-based Mike & the Mechanics tribute band, the Living Years.
Worst CD Beggar on a Beach of Gold (Virgin, 1995)

42 RICK WAKEMAN
Can play two synthesizers at once — but nothing that people want to hear
Keyboard “wizard” and professional cape wearer Wakeman’s diabolical taste revealed itself early, when he elected to join prog-rockers Yes instead of David Bowie’s backing band, the Spiders From Mars. Not content with contributing to Yes’s inexcusably pompous albums, he also spent the mid-’70s releasing a series of baroquely awful solo theme records, including The Myths and Legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. For reasons that are still unclear, he opted to perform that one on ice.
Appalling fact While playing Yes songs live, Wakeman would wolf down curry during sections in which he had little to do.
Worst CD Lisztomania (A&M, 1975)

41 WHITESNAKE
Dumb and dumberer
Led by ex–Deep Purple frontman David Coverdale, Whitesnake’s ’80s success with their karaoke Led Zeppelin routine can be explained only by the public’s enduring love for the double entendre, as exemplified on such songs as “Slide It In,” “Slow Poke Music” and “Spit It Out.”
Worst CD Slip of the Tongue (Geffen, 1989)

The 50 Worst Artists in Music History – Blender.

Share on Facebook

‘Russian Roulette’ Sucks

Rihanna debuted her new single, “Russian Roulette,” yesterday on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS FM show.

It’s about “a woman on the verge” of killing herself. Some of the lyrics include: You can see it thorugh my chest/That I’m terrified/But I’m not leaving/I know that I must pass this test/So just pull the trigger.”

Well Rihanna never said sh*t about domestic violence, so it figures that the role model would continue to send positive, uplifting messages through her music like in the lyrics above.

The track ends with a gunshot and was penned and produced by her alleged former hookup, Ne-Yo. The video is set to premiere in prime-time on ABC. RiRi’s fourth album, Rated R, drops November 23.

You can listen up by clicking HERE

‘Russian Roulette’ Sucks – poponthepop.com.

Share on Facebook