OLD NAVY
Old Navy, the one I worked at was in the Gallaria Mall, Buffalo’s Mall of America, or the Gonorrhea as my juvenile friends and I would refer to it it. This was a flagship store. At the time, of course, I had no idea what that meant other than the fact that it was big and I wasn’t about to waste my time at one of those secondary plaza old navy’s. All I know is that it was a flagship than that meant it was important. I worked at the fuhlaggsheeip! After all, I’m no jackass! However; we can all pretty much conclude how the story ends, but there are other matters to address.
First off, the headsets are pointless! That is they have absolutely no practical applications what so ever. Of course management could always talk over the headsets to us, you know to dispatch the strategies of the day, let us know the strategic game plan. After all, we were all a team and the headsets were a necessary tool to increase employee moral, company productivity, which in turn would help the organization as a whole enhance its bottom line. Actually, I just made that up, but again, the headsets; at least in my flagship store, when I worked there anyway, were a gimmick plain and simple.
“OK- Michael, were going to need you in babies in about ten- just giving you a heads up.”
“Alright, cool Greg- I got it.”
“OK- Michael, were going to need you in babies in about five- just giving you a heads up.”
“Alright, cool Michelle- I got it.”
“Alright, Michael, were going to need you in babies in another two minutes. Alright Michael, were going to need you in babies write now.”
I step seven feet to the left, “OK- everybody, this is Michael. I’m now in babies. If for some reason my headset should break or run out of power, I just want everybody to know that I’m now in babies and this is where I will remain unless otherwise notified. This is not to be confused with the area I was in fifteen seconds ago, but just slightly to the left. So if you’re looking for me, you can go to where I was and then look over to the left and I’ll be in plain view. Please feel free to contact me with any issues, questions, comments and or concerns that you may have- over and out.”
The headsets did, however, come in handy at times like when I’d get a really annoying customer or somebody I kind of knew that was just sort of lingering around. That’s when I’d just give them the universal ‘hold on a second’ palm motion, touch the earpiece, make an inquisitive face and then abruptly walk away. Other employees, would just kind of talk shit about the many pooh butts that came in and out of the store. I on the other hand didn’t contribute to such gossip as I felt it was highly unprofessional. Instead, I’d just kind of randomly disguise my voice and in a freakish whisper kind of mutter stuff in the headset like, ‘PENIS!’ or ‘VAGINA!’ That would always piss the managers off. “OK- Whoever is whispering vulgarities, Could you please stop it!” “PEE-EEE-AH-AH-AH-NEH-NEH-EH-SSSS…..AHHHHHHHHHHH!” “Stop it!” “VUH-UH-UH-UH…VAGINAHHHHHH!” When I did eventually get fired, it was brought to my attention that it was suspected that I was in fact the one saying the aforementioned vulgarities, but management didn’t have any concrete evidence to take action as it was, as I had brought to their attention, only a meager coincidence that the freakish whispering occurred only on the shifts that I was working. I did eventually get reprimanded for swearing in the head set, but that was a result of such an extraordinary circumstance, so they had to let it slide.
One time on my half hour lunch break I took the headset to McDonalds and asked anyone if they wanted anything, which in hindsight is pretty stupid, but at the time I thought it was hilarious. Another time the managers happened to get a hold of me while I was peeing and I excused my self as I was disposed. I then thought it would be cute to let everyone listen to me pee and flush, but to avoid getting in trouble, I just played dumb like I didn’t know it happened. That is fucking hilarious; I don’t care what anybody says!
Other than that nothing really eventful ever happened there, for anybody else anyway. Me, on the other hand, well weird shit always happens to me. Where there’s a will, out of my control of course, somehow there’s a way for it to always find its way into my lap. One day for example, I was feeling all subconscious, not that I smelled bad or anything, but for whatever reason, I was delegated the responsibility of condensing all the boxes from a new shipment and then I had to throw them into the giant garbage compactor downstairs. It was hot as hell down there causing me to sweat profusely. So when I finished with that whole ordeal, I had to then walk around the floor and greet customers with my gross sweaty ass armpits. Although I asked a manager for another shirt, they evidently didn’t have any extra to give me. I’m like, “Andy, How am I supposed to smile and greet customers if I’m sweating like a fag? I could grow rice under here fuck crying out loud!”
He didn’t care, “Big deal Michael, you’re working hard and people respect that.” Regardless, I still felt like an idiot and then some Joe bag, sheeple kids (the ones that are all about the new, the ones that shop in the priority section and actually wear logo shirts) started looking at me funny and they were pointing. “Oh dude, look at that kid man! Look at his armpits man! That’s like totally ihhew.”
In retaliation I kind of nonchalantly hovered around them as I worked out a game plan before I happened to run into two of my friends whom were also laughing at me. “Jeez, Hamilton- what do they have you doing here? Huh ha- you look like some bitch just broke her water on you! What do they have you doing over here?”
Yeah well first off, they made me break down all these boxes and now they won’t even give me a dry shirt to wear. Everybody’s looking at me and shit. I feel like such a dirt hole.” I then pointed out my antagonists, “Look at those Joey’s over there. Even those tool bags are looking at me like I’m all rank. I’m gonna to do something to those fucks- You got my back write?”
“Of course! Huh ha- sure, Hamilton.” I then seized the opportunity and climbed up a step latter by where they were standing, grabbed a bunch of Cargo pants and write as the one chotch with the backwards ‘New Era’ cap gave me the diarrhea look I pretended to fall off the latter and rubbed my rank grimy sweaty arm pits all over both of them. It was pretty obvious, “Oh jeez, sorry man.”
“Oh dude! What the fuck!?! That’s not cool!”
Meanwhile my friends are pissing themselves. I’m acting all apologetic, “Dude, it was a mistake!”
“Yeah, but you just rubbed off your sweaty armpits on us- fuckball!”
So I was like, “Yo, don’t get all loud bitches!” Then I started flinching at them, “Was up! Wuss up! Yeah that’s what I thought- Crackah!”
Then they told my manager, but he couldn’t really do anything about it as a) the whole situation could have been prevented if he would have just given me another shirt and b) I fell off the latter and could have been injured.
From there on out, I found myself working in the fitting room and doing garbage more often. The garbage was fine as I could screw around and work at my own pace. The fitting room on the other hand was boring. People would come in, try on bunch of clothes, and then I’d have to fold them again or place them back neatly on hangers. It was a mind numbing responsibility altogether, but another time it was a whole different sensation.
This lady or woman, probably in her early thirties came in to try on a bunch of items, one of which was a khaki skirt. This wasn’t a provocative skirt by any means, but the situation was very Cinemax like. The fitting room was pretty much empty at this point as the store was going to close soon. Anyway, I realized that she had been in there for a while so I politely knocked on the door to see if everything was alright. She finally opened the door, a little embarrassed and blushing, “Uhm, the zipper on this is broken.” I can’t get this off.” I then began to assist her the whole time thinking, I can’t believe this is fucking happening! “Can you hold on a minute?” I pressed the button on the headset to “Uhm…Greg, its Michael. Can you come to the fitting room please?” “Yeah Mike, I’ll be write there.” I then continued to tug on the zipper. We start making small talk. “Uhm this is pretty awkward huh.” she said blushingly. I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just smiled while tugging and tugging on the zipper. I was essentially helping this woman take her skirt off. “Uhm… yeah Greg, it’s Michael again. Can you please come to the fitting room?!”
“Yeah Mike, I said I’d be write there!” At this point, I didn’t really need Greg to come to the fitting room to remedy any issue with the skirt. I just needed him there to witness the classic situation that was unfolding. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Who would ever believe this one? So the two of us are tugging on this thing, my pants are getting tighter and she’s breathing heavily!
Finally over the head set I yelled, “Greg, its Michael, I need you to get to the FUCKING fitting room NOW!”
She’s hot, in her prime and bam the zipper rips. She had a gray metallic colored thong on. I looked into her eyes as she continued to blush and then bam, like a knee jerk reaction we started going at it. It was totally awesome! Then Greg finally comes in, already pissed that I swore over the headset, to find me and this chic just going at it. In the coolest way possible, acting like nothing happened, I said “Greg, the skirt this woman was trying on had a defective zipper. I was calling you, because it was stuck. We were, however, successful in getting it loose, but the skirt unfortunately ripped.
He couldn’t believe it. “Miss, are you alright?”
“Yes, I’m very alright. Michael here was very helpful.” Then she smirked at me like we had a deep dark secret, which Greg just witnessed. “Ok…ehm, I’m not going to get the skirt, but I will take these and ehm, OK. It was very nice meeting you Michael.” She smiled, my heart skipped a few beats, she exited and I never saw her again.
“Hamilton, I have never ever witnessed anything like that in the eleven years that I have been in retail! Suddenly full of adrenalin, like he had just won a tennis match, he grabs my shoulders, “Un-fucking believable!” Laughing in utter disbelief and stoicism, he advised me to never repeat what happened to anyone. The next day, however, strangely enough all the other guy managers knew and wanted to hear all about it- only, because they were in partial envy of the whole situation.
The four last nails in the coffin came within days of what could have wound up being an act of total debauchery so worth bragging about; I would have even told my mother about it! Now the way it worked with Old Navy, at least the flagship location where I worked. If you worked more than four hours in a shift you were then entitled to an hour long lunch break. I had never really worked more than four hours in one shift, but now that I was temporarily suspended from college as I punched a cop, I had more time to work. So when I had a whole hour, I really didn’t know what to do with myself. Anyway, I went outside to have a cigarette, but I didn’t have a lighter.
So I went to HOOTERS to grab some matches. I walked in and the place was even tackier than the other location- where the girls are still pigs, but something to at least work with. Not this one though- after all it was at the mall. This again wasn’t just any other mall. It was the Gonorrhea! – Buffalo’s “Mall of America”.
That meant it was in a more-blue collar area, easily accessible from all other areas. Its strategic location is easily accessible from the surrounding areas due to its position within the intricate and cross-hatching infrastructure of the region. It doesn’t really require an acute understanding of Economics, GIS, Sociology or Urban planning to grasp the common knowledge that major transportation systems sprung up in the late fifties in areas that were and remain the least desirable places to live. As a result, the town of Cheektowaga remained that way- less expensive resulting in a trashier caliber of a population. With that said the waitresses at this Hooters were even of a lesser grade than the waitresses at the other location. So to put it bluntly-in other words- they were skanks!
With that said I walked into the blue collar Mecca of wood paneling, and street signs of corny innuendo that said shit like- CAUTION- BUMPS. Duhhhh. So I walked up to the bar to grab a book of matches and the pig says, “Uhm…Labatts are two four one.” So I’m like, “Alright, lay it on me.” I was on my fourth beer when three of my managers walked in. I looked over at them, tipped my bottle and continued drinking while the horrible music continued to play. They could have at least played some Classic Rock- the kind you’d expect to hear at a place like that; Seegar, Thurogood, Bad Company, Eddie Money- none of that Chubby Checker shit. Through my buzz, I could still sense that something was off between me and those guys. I’m a straight shooter so I walked over to the table to talk to them.
“What’s up guys?”
They just started laughing at me. “What’s up hu h ha ha huh ha- wha huts ha ha up? Are you serious OK a) you’re drinking on your lunch break. Uhm… lets see here…uhm b- b) you have your Old Navy staff T-shirt on. Let’s see here…uhm c- C) Your only 18! Hamilton- there’s three reasons that we can fire you for write now? Are you an idiot? Or do you just not give a fuck!”
“No, Rich- he’s definitely not an idiot- he’s actually a smart kid.” Chris I think said in my defense.
Rich was in a peeved tone, “Alright Michael- just like you didn’t know you were peeing for everyone! I think you’re sick! Sick!”
“Well fine, fuck you man! You know you guys are here too.”
“Yeah, but were done for the day and were also legal.”
“Alright fine whatever.”
Then in my defense one of the other guys had to laugh- “I don’t think he’s an idiot- he just has balls.”
Then Rich started laughing. “Yeah man, you just have balls. You must have some serious big balls.”
“Alright that’s enough gentlemen- glad we could remedy this issue. Have a good evening I got to get back to work.”
They then made an example of me, by making me the guy that got caught on his lunch break drinking under age. Needless to say, a few days later I was like six minutes late and then fired a result of my excessive tardiness. We thus went our separate ways and I left a legend.
